The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

People don't deserve the restraint we show by not going into delirium in front of them.

Learning about and from your customers isn't always easy and requires a commitment to continual observation.

Even drawing gray hair at all is difficult to render in black and white.

Chicago is the product of modern capitalism, and, like other great commercial centers, is unfit for human habitation.

... anybody with the brains and energy to become a teacher ought to want to become something better.

I bow to my opponent in praise and thanks. After the fight is a time for humility, acceptance and analysis, no matter the result.

Satan will try to use our troubles to worry and weaken us. But God uses them to strengthen us.

Sit mens sana in corpore sano (a healthy mind in a healthy body)

The average person has eight different jobs over the course of their lifetime. You get a little antsy doing the same thing.

I'm a free soul who hates paying attention to things I am not interested in. Consequently, I have rarely been comfortable in the role of 'employee.'