The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead.

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

Cherish the friend who tells you a harsh truth, wanting ten times more to tell you a loving lie.

You can spend too much time wondering which of identical twins is the more alike.

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.

Ever wonder what crime you committed that you are confined to a small enclosure above your sinuses, under permanent skull arrest?

If minutes were kept of a family gathering, they would show that "Members not Present" and "Subjects Discussed" were one and the same.

It finally happened. I got the GPS lady so confused, she said, "In one-quarter mile, make a legal stop and ask directions.

For the most part, we carnivores do not eat other carnivores. We prefer to eat our vegetarian friends.

On a windswept hill by a billowing sea, my destiny sits and waits for me.

It is not that love is blind. It is that love sees with a painter's eye, finding the essence that renders all else background.

The truth is that few know the truth.

Brains are survival engines, not truth detectors.

Only dogs know and respect their masters. This is a rare characteristic of men who secretly envy their masters and wish their downfall.

I like telling stories, and I tell stories that interest me. It would be boring to have to go to nothing but the best restaurants. That would be a misery to me.

Don't say giddy-up to your mouth before your head is hitched up.

For the third trilogy, I don't know if I will still be alive when it comes the time to make them.

It is much easier to make good men wise, than to make bad men good.

He's hit it fat.... It will probably be short.... It just hit the front edge of the green.... It's got no chance.... It's rolling toward the cup.... Well I'll be damned!

Life is pointless...and that is God's greatest gift.

Whatever you desire, believe that you have received it, and you will.