The average permanent lasts about four months.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

She is by my side, as my sister, but he is my soul.He is my enemy, my tormentor, my demon.He is my beloved.

If I wasn't a professional scientist, I'd be an amateur scientist. But plan B was to go into computers.

A book suggests a whole world and story that I could have never thought of in a million years.

Nearly every coach I've talked with tells me that the attention you get from media and other people is the thing you miss most. I don't know if that's right.

High ends, high spending. We just trying to end life on a high note.

You're always allowed to be better.

I guess it really is just me, myself and all my millions.

We've shared good (times) We've shared good fries We've shared good (beers) But never goodbyes... Till now Mind how you go, good buddy

You're intoxicated by my very presence.

For the next inn he spurs amain, In haste alights, and skuds away, But time and tide for no man stay.