The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

those who have loved are those that have found God

Delighted, " Jess said. "I think all houses should be stuffed with books. It makes them--""Homes?" the doctor finished. "You are quite the heretic, for someone in a Library uniform.""Guilty.

There was the girl, screaming like an angry bird, When it finds its nest left empt and little ones gone." - Sentry

Happiness is the bomb cosmetic! When I'm smiling, sometimes I'm giving thanks for all the things I have rather than worrying about the things I don't.

The old cross slew men; the new cross entertains them. The old cross condemned; the new cross amuses. The old cross destroyed confidence in the flesh; the new cross encourages it.

It's not that I don't see myself as hot and sexy. Don't get me wrong. No, it's not that.

Facebook is inherently viral.

How was your flight? Well, aeronautically it was a great success. Socially, it left quite a bit to be desired.

Men hunt I think maybe because they have something wrong with their own equipment and they need something else to shoot.

No matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.