The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves.

The essence of me, is YOU.

The one thing I need to leave behind is good memories.

Don't put off until tomorrow the loving words you can say today.

The night I filled an inside straight: Even a blind hog's gonna root up an acorn once in a while.

I think being an athlete prepares you for more things than people give us credit for.

The consequences of a crime should not be out of proportion to the crime itself.

Do not eat garlic or onions; for their smell will reveal that you are a peasant.

What I'm looking forward to is changing the course America is on.

Oft have I heard that grief softens the mind And makes it fearful and degenerate.