The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

The idea of self-reliance is important to me, and that is echoed, in my way of thinking, by a conservative approach to politics.

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn''t be seen dead at

Broke people giving financial advice is like a shop teacher with missing fingers.

The biggest problem is not to let people accept new ideas, but to let them forget the old ones.

Equal justice under law is a spiritual as well as a civic principle.

Only an organized and conscious people can bring about a different kind of society.

If the Aborigine drafted an I.Q. test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it.

I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

No difference exists between American and European manners. A proletarian from Chicago can be just as Philistine as an English duke.