The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

Who she walks with, will tell you if she's worth it.

Unlike humanity, my mind isn't so frail as to simply climb under gravity and submit to God.

POPPY: Another man might have pressured me to change, mature, maybe even shut up occasionally. Emmett finds me perfect the way I am.

I'm going to make it a law that the correct way to address your sovereign is my giving a high five.' Kai's smiled brightened. 'That's genius. Me too.

When push comes to shove we can afford to lose an arm or a leg, but I am operating on peoples thoughts and feelings... and if something goes wrong I can destroy that persons character... forever.

Learn from the mistakes of others- you can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The writer concerned more with technique than truth becomes a technician, not an artist.

Sobriety itself is today's high, for it is ultimately in the most centered consciousness that we find our power to transcend the world.

I never regret anything and I don't believe in regret. I think it's just a big time-waster.

September 11 awoke us to the threat of terrorism. It was forever bookmarked in our history as the day when life as Americans knew it, changed forever.