The bravest thing that men do is love women.

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.

My life needs editing.

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

I've arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago. Because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.

When Obama ran, he said, We can change the world! The world: can you change it back?!

There's a danger our fiscal bankruptcy might overtake our moral bankruptcy.

A conservative is someone who believes in reform. But not now.

Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.

The fact is that you can't have a good relationship with a girl who hasn't settled things with her father.

One thing about being narrow-minded: you'll never be lonely.

It is necessary for everyone to develop their internal personality

I’m not concerned about your comfort zone or readiness for change. I’m concerned about the kids who just entered Kindergarten.

Now it's just sharp elbows, and instead of having a caucus where you sit down and say, 'What are you doing for your country?' you sit figuring out how to screw the other side.

Whatever I write, no matter how gray or dark the subject matter, it's still going to be a comic novel.

The casinos are walking out of states with at least $1 billion in their pockets to Las Vegas

My main expertise is in the past, but if I have to extrapolate into the future, I would say: no good news any time soon and an obvious exit strategy is not apparent to me.

In America there's no rights for the artist, so whatever films I've made kind of belong to the studio.

God won't let me into heaven because I'm too evil.

I would wear a turban to Whole Foods.

Never weather-beaten sail more willing bent to shore.