The clock in the church tower said 4.32, as it had done for three hundred years. It was right once a day and that was better than no clock at all.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

...unforgivingly, and forcefully magnificent...

Better not to invent her in her absence. Better to wait until she's actually here. Then he can make her up as she goes along.

Happy is love or friendship when returned-- The lovers whose pure flames have equal burned.

American Idol' is a $900 million-a-year corporation. When you are dealing with that, you can't come off with lies - it's either the truth or nothing.

It's my job to get us in good plays, or more importantly, out of bad plays.

It is terrible to contemplate how few politicians are hanged.

An audience's or individual's reaction to my work is simply their reaction.

Most human beings today waste some 25 to 30 years of their lives before they break through the actual and conventional lies which surround them.

There's a fine line between what would characterize you as a troglodyte and what would characterize you as a brilliant, avant-garde, forward-thinking genius. There's some middle ground.

When I stop at a stop sign, I don’t think about the distance I’ve crossed. I just wish I never had to stop.