The comedy I like the best is comedy I can't do, stuff that doesn't touch my arena.

I am very short-sighted, and if I don't like a situation I take my glasses off.

I wouldn't say I was grumpy. It's more pathological - I have seismic tantrums. I get red in the face and cry at least three times a week, and I have to lie down and have a nap afterwards.

People often ask why comedy is harder for women, and the reason is because a tampon will sometimes fall out when you're on stage. Blokes don't have that worry.

Anyone who has dead straight hair wants curls.

I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content.

Without fake tan I have the skin tones of a dead jellyfish.

Well, I'm not good with sliminess. I hate the thought of creatures that have slime on them or creatures that leave a slimy trail. At home, the sight of a slug can bring up my breakfast.

I'm a schizophrenic mix of wannabe glamourpuss and absolute slob, and my style is very much magistrate-meets-barmaid.

Well, I really don't like heights. I don't get on the top deck of a double-decker because that's a bit high for me. I always feel that I'm going to hurl myself off, so heights are a problem.

I love fashion, but I don't come from a background of loving clothes, and I remember feeling badly dressed from a young age.

All the friends in the world are in the fountain of a pen.

I love that about us how capable we are of feeling how unafraid we are of breaking and tend to our wounds with grace just being a womancalling myselfa womanmakes me utterly wholeand complete

3 P’s are my soulmates: Pain, Prose and Poetry.

I am a veteran of the War on Christmas. I am just emerging from a battlefield strewn with dead trees and torn shreds of brightly colored wrapping paper.

Veterans are a symbol of what makes our nation great, and we must never forget all they have done to ensure our freedom.

I don't practice what I preach, I preach what I practice.

I don't know why people are surprised the French don't want to help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France.

I'm much more used to the TV shows, which are demanding to write and perform but very fulfilling.

With swimming, I burn a lot of calories. I'm able to eat pretty much anything and it won't affect me. But I don't.

That's what she [Hillary Clinton] is done with everything all her life. She just makes something good happen, and that's what you need.