The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

No men are less addicted to reverie than the citizens of a democracy.

When life is at that extremely hard time, all we can control is our attitude.

You're better off being The Beatles than The Monkees, as a startup.

I'm happy being an actor, it's what I have always wanted to do. I'm just lucky I got to do it so early.

I am also a hard worker and people are sometimes surprised to see that as well.

Make faithfulness and truth thy masters: have no friends unlike thyself: be not ashamed to mend thy faults.

A critic is to an author as a fungus to an oak.

While the right friends are near us, we feel that all is well. Our everyday life blossoms suddenly into bright possibilities.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

Low self esteem involves imagining the worst that other people can think about you.