The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

The battle is always the same, just with different chapters.

I gravitate towards roles where women find strength in very difficult, uncompromising situations but maintain clarity in mind, discipline at heart, and a certain strength in spirit.

The true impressionism is realism. So many people do not observe.

I hang onto my prejudices, they are the testicles of my mind.

As nice as we are in love, we forgive more faults in that than in friendship.

I feel a special calling to impart hope to the church I serve.

If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners, she doesn't deserve to have any.

I think I'd be a good pimp cuz I'd never beat my ho's.

The tiger springs in the new year. Us he devours.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.