The copyeditor I drew was a brachycephalic, web-footed cretin who should have been in an institution learning how to make brooms.

A home without a grandmother is like an egg without salt.

If you ever meet someone who cannot understand why solitary confinement is considered punishment, you have met a misanthrope.

I simply like guns because you can't shoot people without them.

I wasn't used to children and they were getting on my nerves. Worse, it appeared that I was a child, too. I hadn't known that before; I thought I was just short.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.

If we define a misanthrope as 'someone who does not suffer fools and likes to see fools suffer,' we have described a person with something to look forward to.

The more immoral we become in big ways, the more puritanical we become in little ways.

God may have loved the common people, but a trip to any shopping mall suggests that He made far too many of them.

Golf is an exercise in Scottish pointlessness for people who are no longer able to throw telephone poles at each other.

Democracy is the fig leaf of elitism.

Regular people wait for someone to take their sins, while deliverers take the sins of the people upon themselves

You need pencil miles to be a great artist, animator, or filmmaker, and the sooner you start making mistakes, the quicker you learn.

Giving people what they want isn't just good radio; it's also the right way to run a country.

Though part of me had always wanted to be a comedian, another part of me had always wanted to be Bryant Gumbel or Dan Rather.

Why dont they stick to murder and leave art to us?

He who knows does not feel wonder. It could not be said that God experiences wonder, for God knows in the most absolute and perfect way.

I have played a boxer, a cowboy, a knight, a prince, an elf and a pirate. I am so glad to have done all of that already.

Labor is the only prayer that Nature answers: It is the only prayer that deserves an answer—good, honest, noble work.

I'm an extremist? I don't think so. I think people that call me an extremist are extremely brain dead and soulless.

In a free society, government has the responsibility of protecting us from others, but not from ourselves.