The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Funny is an attitude.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

What doesn't kill you only makes your book longer.

No one in the United States of America should ever be targeted because of who they are, what they look like, or how they worship.

We take things that would have struck us as miraculous five years ago for granted. Like Pokémon Go would have been insane, and now it's just like, "Oh, okay."

Faith is the determination to create with our lives what only our hearts can conceive.

I'm all for the Fairness Doctrine, whatever that is.

The song succeeds or fails just based on whether you argue your point successfully.

The greater part of our writers have become so original, that no one cares to imitate them: and those who never quote in return are seldom quoted.

I operate out of confusion, towards clarity.

Shoot, boy, the country's just fulla folks what knows everything, and don't understand nothing, just fullofem.