The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st week in August?"

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So they swapped sandwiches.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says: "Yes, three months!"

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

I know what it's like to have a power no other cat understands. It's the loneliest feeling in the world.

I looked in the mirror and realized that I was already dead. I let you kill me one piece at a time, starting when I was, what? Eight years old? Nine? You killed yourself and then you came after us.

I need to have perspective. That's one of the big things former players told me, to not try to live up to anything, just live up to yourself.

The parts of the universe ... all are connected with each other in such a way that I think it to be impossible to understand any one without the whole.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

Money was their God; work their religion.

She glared at him. "I'm not asking you to apologize." "Well, that's a relief.I doubt I could find the words.

The storytelling in 'Doctor Who' is quite universal.

The point is that the arts are important enough to have influenced the greatest minds and talents we know. Albert Einstein said that if he were not a physicist, he would probably be a musician.

Thine eyes are springs in whose serene And silent waters heaven is seen. Their lashes are the herbs that look On their young figures in the brook.