The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.

The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.

I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.

People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.

I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.

I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.

The greatest joy is the grace of salvation through faith in Jesus Christ.

I don't think I'd want Mickey Mouse pimping for me anyway.

I kiss the soil as if it is the last time I will recognize the beauty she has given the trees.

I love exploring the relationship between fathers and daughters. I think that's a special thing, especially with daughters who are dealing with being adults.

This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up.

I can write songs, I've had songs in movies, but I can't compose film scores, you know?

My bitterness is not an abstract substance, it is as solid as a Christmas cake; I can cut it in slices and hand it round and there is still plenty left, for tomorrow.

One should practice much sense, not much learning.

Allegiance, after all, has to work two ways; and one can grow weary of an allegiance which is not reciprocal.

Well not exactly," the father said."Nobody could do that. but it didn't take me long.