The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas

Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.

The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

Affliction is often that thing which prepares an ordinary person for some sort of an extraordinary destiny.

Happiness is the natural flower of duty.

Weight was never an issue with me.

If you want to be a physicist, you must do three things-first, study mathematics, second, study more mathematics, and third, do the same.

The remedy is worse than the disease.

I'm too old to be forced.

...we all want to hear stories, from the moment we are born to the moment we die. Stories connect our little lives with the world around us and help us discover who we are.

My principal battle with the North Vietnamese was a moral one, and prayer was my prime source of strength.

In spite of certain distressing but isolated occurrences in the last battle, I certainly hoped that the Army would be in a position to continue to hold out.

Pages on Facebook are allowed to be anonymous. That is really important. People start revolutions; we need anonymity.