The difference between a child's toy and an adult toy is: location, location, location.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Jazz isn't dead. It just smells funny.

Better to honor the pinch of fear than regret the punch of fang.

Who are we to wish for Paradise? It will be enough if Allah spares us his wrath.

There's lots of opportunities out there in life, but if you never put yourself out on a limb and take chances you'll never dare to be great at anything.

If a woman seeks education it is probably because her sexual apparatus is malfunctioning.

To the soldier, luck is merely another word for skill.

A friend of mine says that perfection is a road, not a destination.

I thought if I could understand why apes get mean and horrible and aggressive when they grow up, maybe I could understand why people get mean and horrible and aggressive and have wars.

Praise Him, each savage furious beast That on His stores do daily feast; And you tame slaves, of the laborious plough, Your weary knees to your Creator bow.