The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

If I am the pawn of the gods, it is because they know me so well, not because they make my mind up for me.

Despite how long I'd slept, I was so tired--tired in my bones, in my crumpled heart."- Sarah J Maas, A Court of Mist and Fury

Your obstinacy towards your goals gives you ignition which leads to your success.

Everyone needs help. That's the human condition.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

I am the complete and utter definition of a Luddite.

Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available

Atheism has been on the rise for years now, and the Bible of the atheists is The Origin of Species.

The tragedy is that there is so much more incentive - money - to destroy the ecology than there is to preserve it.

Decide what you want to be, do, and have, think the thoughts of it, emit the frequency, and your vision will become your life.