The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach!

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.

If God ask you to do the impossible, do not look for who have never done it, look for the God of impossibilty. Any man that wants to defeat setbacks, must constantly look at his success.

Idea 721. Lies always have a purpose

When dawn comes, that memory gradually distances...Tonight, I will bring it to sleep with me, so that will not be taken away by the waves of the night...

If artists and poets are unhappy it is after all because happiness does not interest them.

Ensure that both plan and dispositions are flexible, adaptable to circumstances. Your plan should foresee and provide for a next step in case of success or failure.

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

She taught me to play the piano, and what it meant to miss somebody.

Dresscodes are for styleless people.

We’re in the midst of a boom in home-based businesses, and it shows no sign of slowing.

I love visual gags and gimmicks; I love them.