The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Only times and places, only names and ghosts.

Joy is a light that fills you with hope and faith and love.

I try to do what has never been done before.

I am the student who picks his nose, so come over here and take off your clothes.

Jesus was not just a prophet but the fulfillment of all prophecy.

If you want to be an athlete, there's no way around it: You have to go to the gym. You can't Google your way to it.

I figure if the kids are alive at the end of the day, I've done my job.

I was born with this bow tie made of celluloid on my collar.

A nation is not a budget, no matter how much ideologues want it to be so.

A degree on the wall, without labels on your back, is nothing.