The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

There is no love without respect.There isn't much truth if spoken without genuine honesty.

Ghosts are the only ones who never have to feel scared. Because the worst thing in the world has already happened to them.

Children run everywhere for a reason--it's fun. Grown-ups can forget that sometimes.

When you reach a certain status in Hollywood, you have to play a lot of games to stay in the limelight. It becomes more about being famous than being an actor.

I’m tired of doing what I don’t want to do to live the way I don’t want to live.

New York: where everyone mutinies but no one deserts.

Do nothing rashly; want of circumspection is the chief cause of failure and disaster. Fortune, wise lover of the wise, selects him for her lord who ere he acts reflects.

I had some downtime with my career and I got complacent.

Man have to have friends even in hell.

The present generation has the same right of self-government which the past one has exercised for itself.