The essence of what makes life beautiful is the fact that it can go away.

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?

Finally, I am coming to the conclusion that my highest ambition is to be what I already am.

Sometimes it seems to me that that’s all my life has been, a series of things that I loved deeply that I could never have.

[On Princess Anne:] Such an active, outdoorsy lass. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her.

Good Will is the mightiest practical force in the universe.

I think we learn more from those times in our history where we stumbled as a democracy than we learn from the glorious chapters.

The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion.

The biggest threat to this country isn't the Russians. It's our own inability to make democracy or capitalism work.

My psychoanalysis has equipped you with the equivalent of a train ticket to recovery. It is now your decision whether or not you choose to make full use of it.

All of us are experts at practicing virtue at a distance.