The expectation of happiness creates a lot of unhappiness.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

And the most beautiful words ever spoken, I have not yet said to you.

When someone falls, ” Mark said, “you don’t throw her back down in the dirt. You offer her a hand up. It’s the Christian thing to do.

Be polite write diplomatically even in a declaration of war one observes the rules of politeness.

Soccer is like punk rock: The product is not necessarily terrible. The problem is the fan base.

I'm in five guilds; that's a lot of dues to pay. So I have to keep on working.

Autocratic leadership existed in Russia for many centuries, changing only its ideological colors and method of legitimization.

Ask the American public if they want an FBI wiretap and they'll say, "no." If you ask them do they want a feature on their phone that helps the FBI find their missing child they'll say, "Yes."

Marketing is a very good thing, but it shouldn't control everything. It should be the tool, not that which dictates.

Quit thinking that you must halt before the barrier of inner negativity. You need not. You can crash through... whatever we see a negative state, that is where we can destroy it.

You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there.