The fact that Americans drag around the world by the busloads to glimpse the past probably has something to do with the youth of our country. We revere anything older than George Burns.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Death is not a choice, even for the suicide.

"What is the secret of your serenity?" Said the master: "Wholehearted cooperation with the inevitable."

There is no fundamental difference between man and animals in their ability to feel pleasure and pain, happiness, and misery.

I hate to say Napster kind of killed our business, but what can I tell ya?

Giving is the vital impulse and moral center of capitalism.

Arguments are healthy. They clear the air.

I do like to drive fast and I have gotten pulled over in the past. I use my skills to get out of tickets.

Make love your weapon to overcome any evil

A real leader uses every issue, no matter how serious and sensitive, to ensure that at the end of the debate we should emerge stronger and more united than ever before.

Dreamers only dream, but creators bring their dreams into reality.