The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

You must understand that all great things come through time conversion.

Writing heals my heart like no pill ever could.

Certainly the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried, or childless men.

Don't let one cloud obliterate the whole sky.

I do not want church groups controlling the schools of our country. They must remain free.

The short-cut to popularity is to lend everyone your ears, instead of giving them your tongue

Drawing and Drinking Coffe

My biggest thing is banana pudding, but it's the devil! So no one is allowed to bring it into my house. Because I can't control myself. So why put it in my domain?

It is imperative to contest all factions for complete victory, so the army is not garrisoned and the profit can be total. This is the law of strategic siege.

It's a chore for a fellow to fear for his life more than once in an evening.