The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Hell madame is to love no longer.

Winston [Churchill] has devoted the best years of his life to preparing his impromptu speeches.

The majority of people perform well in a crisis and when the spotlight is on them; it's on the Sunday afternoons of this life, when nobody is looking, that the spirit falters.

Freedom is found through the portals of our nation's libraries.

we have not yet developed a system of education that is not a system of indoctrination.

Wealth is the number of things one can do without.

Within any important issue, there are always aspects no one wishes to discuss.

I have good anticipation, and good reaction to the the ball because I've played so many matches in my life.

Strangers talking over piles of books do not remain strangers for long.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.