The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

Say what you want about the deaf.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

wealth is one of the keys to open paradise

What’s the difference between being dead, and just not knowing you’re alive?

When grace begins to rule, then our preoccupation with ourselves begins to leave.

Luck? Sure. But only after long practice and only with the ability to think under pressure.

The quality of a society depends on its capacity to produce eminent personalities.

I wanted to give up, but my family kept me going.

My job isn't to represent the Democrat Party or the Republican Party. It's to represent Hoosier families.

The money paid at consumption is paid by everybody, including illegals, prostitutes, pimps, drug dealers.

God gives us health so that we may serve the sick.

You see that gap is exactly how they can marginalize and exclude people from giving the voters more voices and choices.