The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Fear is like a disease that can be fatal if not treated on time.

If you do not want to be lied to, then you need to stop following politics.

It does not matter how long it takes. God will fulfil the promises.

The path of Tao is not that of sudden enlightenment. It is not like Zen. Zen is sudden enlightenment, Tao is gradual growth.

Always write angry letters to your enemies. Never mail them.

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

When you are in harmonywith yourself, you'll be in harmony with everyone else.

And so, it's not a thing of how many carries, but were you effective when you did carry.

I am not the best goalkeeper in the world, it is Vladimir Beara.

Some bold adventurers disdain The limits of their little reign, And unknown regions date descry.