The first rule of marriage: solve the mystery, end the love.

Make sure, as often as possible, you are doing something you’d be happy to die doing.

Flowers, after love, must have been the best advert planet Earth had going for it.

There is only one genre in fiction, the genre is called book.

And yet, I was scared of falling asleep, because the moment I fell asleep my wounds would heal and right then I didn’t want that to happen. Right then, I found a strange but real comfort in the pain.

No one will understand you. It is not, ultimately, that important. What is important is that you understand you.

So love is about finding the right person to hurt you?”“Pretty much.

The best way to think of the ageing process in relation to a human face is to imagine a map of an area of innocent land which slowly becomes a city with many long and winding routes.

The next day I had a hangover.I realised that if getting drunk was how people forgot they were mortal, then hangovers were how they remembered.

Humans, in the day that has been the Earth, have been here for less than a minute. We’re a late-night piss in the toilet, that’s all we are.

Laughter, I realized, was the reverberating sound of a truth hitting a lie.

...I might mention my belief that girls who like Woody Allen movies are nicer girls than girls who don't...

Right now. Living. Aiming to misbehave or just trying not to fade away.

I'm a sucker for packaging!

Who needs girls when you've got comics?

Second, if you're the boss, just because they don't ask doesn't mean your employees don't have needs.

How sure we are that everyone's watching. How sure we are that no one sees.

Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.

Faith is never identical with piety even if it were the purest and finest.

I was kidnapped by literature at a young age and never wanted to be ransomed.

No Such Thing as Bad Results