The first thing they gave me at 'Sports Illustrated' was a first-class air card. 'And oh, by the way, there's the petty cash drawer, ' they told me. 'Take a few thousand dollars for expenses.'

If a caddie can help you, you don't know how to play golf.

A good one iron shot is about as easy to come by as an understanding wife.

Always keep in mind that if God didn't want a man to have mulligans, golf balls wouldn't come three to a sleeve.

I am among those who firmly believe that a round of golf should not take more than three and a half hours, four at most. Anything longer than that is not a round of golf, it's life in Albania.

The devoted golfer is an anguished soul who has learned a lot about putting, just as an avalanche victim has learned a lot about snow.

Laughter is the only thing that'll cut trouble down to a size where you can talk to it.

Only two things can stop Tiger — injury or a bad marriage.

Regardless of what the tour pros think, golf is a rich and varied game, and what all of us awkward fools do on weekends is what golf is truly all about.

Baseball would be a better game if more third basemen got hit in the mouth by line drivers.

Lonnie says it doesn't take long to write a song if you're stricken with a severe case of the Tennysons. He wasn't necessarily talking about a chart-climber.

The Ohio Legislature's passed a law to allow concealed weapons in day care centers, but interesting: this same Legislature, in its wisdom, doesn't allow concealed weapons in the statehouse.

Work on your craft, and your career will come. Work on your community, and your career will come. But just work on your career, and youll have neither a craft nor a community.

Father' is such an arbitary word. Douche bag, on the other hand.

The monsters in my head are scared of love.

We're probably close to reaching 2,000 shows, which is more than Julia Child and Jacques Pepin together.

For an actor, it is better to play well (or even not so well) in a bad film, than to not play at all.

I still believe in the need for guitars and drums and desperate poetry.

I look most like myself... when I'm wearing my black, nerdy engineering glasses.

I get claustrophobic in a harness. I'd be a terrible superhero.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.