The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

We need to stop telling girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't.

I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second.

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

I like talking about things that are taboo, because it makes them not taboo anymore.

To enjoy the beauty of love, be a big person in this small world.

QUERIDA, EL DIA QUE TE DES CUENTA QUE GASTAS TUS DIAS PENSANDO EN LO QUE PUDO HABER SIDO SABRAS QUE TAL VEZ ESTAS MEJOR HACI COMO ESTAS, SOLA.

To live in a world that requires you to become someone else, being yourself is your best choice and most valuable accomplishment."-Steven Cuoco

When I die, bury me with a few garden tools, I shall make a garden in the heaven too.

I've got a great life that I really enjoy. But there is something chewing at me inside: that adrenaline rush from football, I miss that.

Our Constitution is in actual operation; everything appears to promise that it will last; but in this world nothing is certain but death and taxes.

It took me longer to get through this site, than to get outside at Waimea.

Nature is nobody's ally.

Salvation is so great a thing, so glorious an attainment, that 'tis worth the while for a man to do his utmost every day during his whole life in the use of all proper means that he may attain.

You can make a movie about anything, as long as it has a hook to hang the advertising on.