The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

My doctor said I had OCD. I couldn't believe it. I had to call him nine times to make sure.

If you're going to hit a car, try to be sure that it's not a cop car

Comedy is the most palliative way to make a point. People are more willing to listen if they can laugh.

What if obese people couldn't get married?

Joan Rivers broke down barriers, advocated for free speech, and never apologized for who she was.

Halloween is an opportunity to be really creative.

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

I have a nice little house in LA. Well, the bedroom is nice. I have French doors in the bedroom. They don't open unless I lick them.

For me, humor is everything!

Mother humor is such a universal theme. I wrote a show called '25 Questions for a Jewish Mother.' I had people coming up to me after the show saying, 'I'm Baptist, and my mother is just like yours.'

Black money is so much a part of our white economy, a tumour in the centre of the brain - try to remove it and you kill the patient.

Corporate governments are as corrupt as their law enforcement departments.

I don't have to agree with you to like you or respect you.

We are half ruined by conformity, but we should be wholly ruined without it.

Why do otherwise sane, competent, strong men, men who can wrestle bears or raid corporations, shrink away in horror at the thought of washing a dish or changing a diaper?

I don't particularly like babies. I don't mind them for about four minutes. That's my max. After that I can't quite see what everyone's fussing about.

I wanted to fight to get into the front. I was just hungry to do it.

You turn inward. There's nothing to distract you, so you begin to look at yourself.

I was born to be a runner. I simply love to run. It's almost like the faster I go, the easier it becomes.

I would not be the mere President of a Party. I feel bound to administer the government untrammeled by party schemes.