The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

A religion without a goddess is halfway to atheism.

The path of true love never ran smooth. More likely you ran out of gas, blew a tire, and hit the wall before you crossed the finish line.

I drove my mum and dad mad.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

In the Baboon community, it is not how strong you are that is important, but who you know that counts

I love being a Met. It was my favorite team growing up, so to be a Met to me is very special.

Beauty is but skin deep, ugly to the bone. And when beauty fades away, ugly claims its own.

Thoughts on the Merits of Work The worst of work nowadays is what happens to people when they cease to work.

Christ at the Checkpoint is primarily a public relations scheme to dissuade American evangelicals from pro-Israel views.

Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man.