The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

So when the blue smoke of brittle leaves was in the air and the wind blew the wet laundry stiff on the line I decided to come back home.

A determined will, grounded on a clear order of rank of values, coupled with organic strength of outlook, will also one day - despite all hindrances - enforce its realisation in all domains.

He liked what he had too much.

Affirmative action has a negative effect on our society when it means counting us like so many beans and dividing us into separate piles.

The sea, the stars, the night wind in waste places, mean more to me than even the human beings I love best.

I've written a bunch of stuff that no one's ever heard, and I don't know if they ever will. I'm just doing it for my own edification.

In every perceived failure or setback is the seed of success.

A movement is only composed of people moving. To feel its warmth and motion around us is the end as well as the means.

You were born with everything you need to answer the call of your soul.

The trouble with the young people today is that it is they who are young.