The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another 10 years.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Only God knows the unknown

Yesterday has gone. Tomorrow may never come. There is only the miracle of this moment. Savor it. It is a gift.

People call you this or that. But I can't respond because then it seems like I'm defensive, you know, what does it matter, really?

People see you onstage and, yeah, I'd want to be that guy.I want to be that guy myself very often.

Sometimes rabbits, like, turn me on. I don't know why.

Interest makes all seem reason that leads to it.

If not now, then when? If not you, then who? If we are able to answer these fundamental questions, then perhaps we can wipe away the blot of human slavery.

Genre is a bookstore problem, not a literary problem.

I came down the long road, even before I got here. Just to be where I am today is already a positive in my life. But to have something like this happen to me as well, I'm speechless.

A friend is long sought, hardly found, and with difficulty kept.