The glass is always half empty. All good comedians are manic-depressive.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Your life is made up of your dreams and your realities, your expectations and your possibilities.

New York is a different country. Maybe it ought to have a separate government. Everybody thinks differently, they just don't know what the hell the rest of the United States is.

I won't wait until the end of my term to say I made mistakes at the beginning. That's too late. I will try to adopt the proper behaviour, if the French give me the chance, right from the start.

When you reach out and touch other human beings, it doesn't matter whether you call it therapy or teaching or poetry.

Age bothers everybody. I was never narcissistic about my looks, but people thought that I should be so therefore I was.

It was a way to try and shut down what the unions were negotiating for, like better hours and pay. [Dalton] Trumbo and his friends joined the Communists mostly for these reasons.

Analyze yourself. All emotions are reflected in the body and mind. Envy and fear cause the face to pale, love makes it glow.

A contented mind is the best source for trouble.

I have thought about the nature of this creative process and have reached a somewhat aberrant conclusion. I don't understand it and I don't think anyone else does either.

You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.