The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Be yourself and believe in your abilities.

In all climates under all skies man's happiness is always somewhere else.

The only thing you fear is the unreality that you yourself have invented.

The Debasement of World Currency:It Is Inflation, But Not As We Know It

I wish I were a virgin again. The only fun I ever had was holding out.

I've always felt, even as a songwriter, that the rhythm of speech is in itself a language for me.

There are some people as obtuse in recognizing an argument as they are in appreciating wit. You couldn't drive it into their heads with a hammer.

The world of politics is always twenty years behind the world of thought.

The welfare state is an assault on families.

I remain close to my people. I keep singing with them.