The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey!

If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!

Never interrupt me when I'm eating a banana.

I cant sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. Im shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982.

I'm going to buy some green bananas because by the time I get home they'll be ripe.

We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon.

You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.

Two thongs don't make a right.

What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess.

I'd rather drive the yellow brick road, you wouldn't happen to know of a rental car place around.

The sky, the sky beyond the door is bluuuuuuue!

The quality of our lives is determined by the focus of our attention.

You have a right to protest. But I don't quite understand why anybody thinks it's a good idea to deny somebody else the right to express his or her point of view.

A mouse is small and can go unnoticed: but there is no limit to what a brave heart and a fearless spirit can achieve.

I believe through learning and application of what you learn, you can solve any problem, overcome any obstacle and achieve any goal that you can set for yourself.

I'm 190 pounds of rock hard muscle, underneath 40 pounds of sturdy protective fat.

Good for you, Ethan." That's what my poor mama would've said. Ma'am.

Some kids my age experiment with drugs, I experiment with music.

How to overcome destructive criticism? Just love a little more. That's all.

Christianity founds hospitals and atheists are cured in them, never knowing they owe their cure to Christ.

I consider the modernization of the Middle East the central challenge of our time. This region behaves as if it were disturbed, if you'll excuse the clinical expression.