The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

For every drop of water you waste, you must know that somewhere on earth someone is desperately looking for a drop of water!

I'm thankful to God that my life changed, but I'm also still on my grind.

I just wanted to see every single musical I could. The very first one I saw was 'Beauty and the Beast,' the only one I could get tickets for, and then 'Les Miserables' and then 'Chicago.

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

I know people my age (early 40s) who insist upon only writing. You know what we call them? Ex-journalists.

I'm jealous of that time when you could afford lofts and survive on almost nothing. You can't do that anymore.

True humility involves opposites. The truly humble work in silence. Because they do not speak of their accomplishments, credit for them can never be taken away.

Most people have turned their solutions toward what is easy and toward the easiest side of the easy; but it is clear that we must trust in what is difficult; everything alive trusts in it.

The public want to see people play an exciting brand of cricket.

My responsibility is always and everywhere the same: to see in my brother more even than the personality and manhood that are his. My task is always and everywhere the same: to see Christ himself.