The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

But when I think of superchicks, I think of the roles, not the variety.

Tricks and treachery are merely proofs of lack of skill.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I think there's a playfulness and a distance to Kavalier and Clay that I don't aspire to in my stuff. Maybe I'm more old-fashioned, and less of a fabulist, in that way.

So many people are looking at what's wrong, and I try to encourage them to look at what's right in their life. A lot of people have it a lot worse than you do.

One hour spent in spinning should be an hour of self-development for the spinner.

The world obviously needs to change ... if we can't protect our innocent women and children, then we have a serious problem.

This was a really big opportunity. This script was even mediocre. The idea was great, but Jay came on with his guys made it great and very specific. It all came together well.

To succeed, you must have tremendous perseverance, tremendous will.

I'm not interested in attacking, I'm interested in astonishing.