The greatest threat facing American today - next to voter fraud, the Western Pinebark beetle, and the memory foam mattress - is the national news media.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

People generally believe that which they wish to believe and disbelieve that which is unpleasant.

The good fighters of old first put themselves beyond the possibility of defeat, and then waited for an opportunity of defeating the enemy.

Look deeper and you can find some stuff which will amaze you!

It's easy to make a buck. It's a lot tougher to make a difference.

Most men, when they think they are thinking, are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Racism is man's gravest threat to man - the maximum of hatred for a minimum of reason.

I've always worn earplugs, but I'm sure my hearing's not great.

Be careful with whom you associate, especially when you feel emotionally vulnerable, because negative people can steal the dream right out of your heart.

Songwriting is about getting the demon out of me. It's like being possessed.

We all believe we have found the finest of diktat that applies our perfect future, but do we believe the world needs referees.