The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

It's oneiric, a beautiful, formless sequence of silver nitrate shadows, and when it ends I wonder what happened, and then I begin to rebuild it in my head

Leadership. Where the greatest also has a mentor.

Saying of the ProphetSleepSleep is the brother of death.

Don’t just be selling, be connecting

Sometimes you surprise yourself with what you do under pressure.

All relationships are living and alive and moving and becoming something.

Death is the mother of beauty,” said Henry. “And what is beauty?” “Terror.

I've lost a lot of jobs because I was too pretty. And everybody's like "Oh, poor you." But seriously, you don't get the good roles when you're beautiful.

If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing twice.

I think it's important for people who love music to retain physical CDs or even vinyl, because it sounds so great and so much warmer than music over the internet.