The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

No man should live where he can hear his neighbor's dog bark.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

I love to see how far you're able to go, both in skills but also emotionally how far I can push myself.

Use a picture. It's worth a thousand words.

I don't want someone to watch sports in bed. That drives me nuts.

The war on terrorism was a bait and switch operation.

Faith is what gets you started. Hope is what keeps you going. Love is what brings you to the end.

I hate jealousy. At least it's its own punishment; it makes me feel like hell.

[On President Bush's plan to get to Mars in 10 years] Stupid. Robots would do a better job and be much cheaper because you don't have to bring them back.

And still everything’s the same, even though I did my best to get as far away as I could.