The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

Money is good, but I prefer food, water, gold, weapon and energy.

Microsoft was founded with a vision of a computer on every desk, and in every home. We've never wavered from that vision.

Inquisitive people aren't really very attractive, are they?

Health systems usually deal with the consequences of violence. We normally, in the health system, don't have the tools to prevent it, because these require policy interventions in every arena.

I do believe that there are gods, and in a far higher sense than that in which any of my accusers believe in them.

I am where I am because of the bridges I have crossed.

The laws were not made so much for the direction of good men, as to circumscribe the bad.

I did a lot of theater when I was in high school and college. I also did stand-up in college, so it was always part of what I did.

The camera introduces us to unconscious optics as does psychoanalysis to unconscious impulses.