The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

You just noticed? You're slow...

Theo looked at me with his smoldering Jesus eyes, and the Catholic schoolgirl in me crossed her legs.

He who knows best knows how little he knows.

Wise kings generally have wise counselors and he must be a wise man himself who is capable of distinguishing one.

I believe in gender equality.

No matter how often I tell people I'm thirty-nine some of them refuse to believe I'm that old.

I put the cameras on her and told her to be obnoxious as she could possibly could be. She was.

There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.

Life as we call it, is nothing but the edge of the boundless ocean of existence when it comes upon soundings.

Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself. It is precisely that simple, and it is also that difficult.