The hardest thing is writing a recommendation for someone we know.

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Education is the power to think clearly, the power to act well in the world's work, and the power to appreciate life.

When the conscious mind expands to embrace deeper levels of thinking, the thought wave becomes more powerful and results in added energy and intelligence.

The traveling heart went free / With endless streams; that strife was stopped; / And down a thousand vales I dropped, / I flowed to Italy.

Women are in many ways second-class citizens in the United States in 2016, because of the way that we're portrayed in popular culture.

Now that we have learned to fly the air like birds, swim under water like fish, we lack one thing - to learn to live on earth as human beings.

If it doesn't taste good it doesn't go on the menu

I hope I am pigeonholed with comedy. I'm really not interested in writing the darker stuff, the emotional stuff.

Only an arrogant man will claim to be independent of everybody else and be self-contained.

I believe that ignorance is the root of all evil. And that no one knows the truth.

As a matter of fact, one of the things in Obamacare is that for the elderly, every five years you must have end-of-life counseling. Translation: suicide counseling.