The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

She read books quickly and compulsively, paperback after paperback, as if she might drift away without the anchor of the printed page.

Find what speaks to your energy and live it.

Art-making is just another part of the consciousness industry.

Martial arts is for defense. It's not for attacking. So when people are fighting, always, always, defend.

I must do something to keep my thoughts fresh and growing. I dread nothing so much as falling into a rut and feeling myself becoming a fossil.

The key to happiness doesn't lay in numbers in a bank account but in the way we make others feel.

Creativity's about ownership.

We have recorded songs on the same day that were released years later in other albums.

Being satisfied with what we already have is a magical golden key to being alive in a full, unrestricted, and inspired way.

I'm not afraid of a world with less consumerism, less 'stuff' and no economic growth. I'm far more frightened of the opposite