The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The truth about life and lie about life is not measured by others but by your intuition, which never lies.

My brother is my best friend.

A desire to be in charge of our own lives, a need for control, is born in each of us. It is essential to our mental health, and our success, that we take control.

I'm a laugher and a lover of comedy.

Elect me as your congressman today, I promise you an Ilocano president in 20 years.

Music expresses first of all sadness rather than joy.

The scaffold has never yet and never will destroy an idea or a movement.

Being a mum is something that's never bothered me too much. I have never felt a strong need to have children, but I am not averse to it either.

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, "Man Gets Married!"

Images, not words, capture feelings in faces; nothing can ruin the atmosphere as easily as too much light.