The humorous story is told gravely; the teller does his best to conceal the fact that he even dimly suspects that there is anything funny about it.

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Never regret anything that made you smile.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

LIBERAL, n. A man with his mind open at both ends.

Karate is like boiling water, if you do not heat it constantly, it will cool.

This car of mine, I am tickled to death with it. The machine is nearly everything, its power, stability and balance. The driver, allowing for his experience and courage, is much less.

whoever is so stupid as to imagine God to be either masculine or feminine openly shows that he is as bad a philosopher as a theologian.

I don't like movies that are morally simple.

I give a lot of myself, so it will be good to release some heavy energy, and I know yoga deals with energy. So I definitely want to get into that.

As an actor, that's nerve-wracking enough [drunk and doing coke] because you have to do it at the right level.

Never go to Pluto, it's a Mickey Mouse planet.

I had that thing of wanting to prove I was a tough kid.